what if...

...it wouldve happened?
...i never left?
...he left me?
...it were back to the way it used to be?
...i wasnt over it

idk why but i think about this alot.
i know i am.
but i think its the fact that its someone else now.

...and not me.
am i?
ugh. sometimes i wanna cry.

just when things were going so smoothly.
it blows up.
tonight. here. now.
i am such an idiot.

here i am sitting here waiting for the text message or phone call.
wtf.

im so screwed. just one more week.
i can make it
im outta here.
leaving this hole.
for 3 months

God put someone so special in my life where all i do is love and trust.
thats all i want. all i need.
someone to believe in me, my goals, and my future. our future.

things are getting much better with michael.
maybe this will all play itself out.

a part of me realizes that certain friendships didnt mean as much to me as they shouldve
but i'm ok with all of this.
its like losing a bag of heavy bricks that constantly weighed me down.
and i somewhat feel better about letting it go.
me and that ol bag of bricks went everywhere. did everything shared everything.
in a way, it was kind of my life support.
but it only got heavier and eventually i couldnt carry it anymore.
so i dropped it off with my past.

goodbye bag of bricks.
thanks for a fulfilling friendship
but at the same time.
you screwed me over one too many times.
i love you. but thats the way it has to be.
sry for all the hurt youve caused me
i shouldve known better.
but i relied on you greatly.
you're opinions were considered but in the end
it all came down to what i want and what i feel like i need.
peace.

i'm officially a college girl now!

i'm still MADLY in love with michael kasprzynski

i REALLY miss my girlfriends.

work has got me busy busy

i wake up wayyy early.. [hate it]

i LOVEE my new cobalt!

my misha is sick :/

thats it.

g'night<3

[ update]

i love him :D

[end of update]

 was the saddest night ever.
we ALMOST won our game.
so anyway after the game
was our senior walk.
i started off with amanda, rivers, and kelly bo belly and was already crying by the time everyone got onto the track.  It's so hard trying to understand that it was my last night to EVER cheer at our stadium, to EVER walk on the track with my best friends, and know that the rest of my life is gonna be WAYY different.
as we were walking & crying, i saw laurah, heat, jackie, denise, taylor, kassie, and mike'OH.  i walked with them and cried harder. so many memories with them and its all gonna be over in a matter of months. 
I finally found LJ and bekah and we hugged and cried and ran to the middle of the field. it was good being wiht them but sad.
i know that we will always be friends because we've all grown up together. but wow, words cant describe how different its gonna be.
its really hard. I hugged people i hadn't talked to in years and cried with people i held grudges with.  everything seemed to slip away. all my grudges, all my hate, all my judgements. it was nice being myself with everyone. it was really difficult. i'd never wanted to hug my mom so much. lol. i got home at about 1030 and my mom and i just sat there talking for awhile.  She told me she didnt cry because she knows whats coming for me is gonna be great. she knows im a hard-worker and will succeed. she said that GOD's plan for me was gonna be a great one and she wasnt worried for me at all. it made me feel great. 

To the SENIOR CLASS OF '08:
gosh guys we've been through so much together. its hard to believe its all coming to an end.
memories with everyone. drama. oh god the drama. fights. laughs. tears. and a new obstacle.. FEAR.
whats next? college? armed forces? marriage? families? jobs? its weird isnt it.  leaving the underclassmen behind to continue our legacy & to remember us as the greatest senior class ever. :]  wow. i'm gonna miss everyone greatly. all my cheerleaders all my choir kids. all my best friends. gosh.. i never thought senior year would be like this. you guys have made high school worthwhile.
i love you. and GOD BLESS in whatever goes down in your life.

Peace.

 you go ahead and keep your options open
while i stay here and lose all hope in love.

i <3333 levi smith..
hot stuff.

how i love playradioplay!!!

i miss himm..
but only to a certain extent.
and its not even like its HIM i miss
its the way things were with us.
when we were happy.
im ready to be like that again
with someone else.
but it doesnt seem like its possible 
since he's the only person 
who ever made me feel that way.
its the way he treated me too.
respect and lovee.
Sheer passionate lovee.
maybe it was just a lust thing.
what happened to us??
damnn.

i'm  in bcis... bored as hell.
myspace doesnt work..
LAME!
andi have 10 minutes to kill.

someone tell me websites where i can UNBLOCK myspace.
<3

got BUSTED!
but it was a weird busted.

we didnt really get into trouble.

wtf.

but NEVER will i do it again

im so confused with jacob.
idk what to do anymore.

=/

 my counselors are gay and didnt put me in cheerleading.
but at the same time.. it all works out.
except for the fact that apparently i HAVE to take cheerleading.

1st- BCIS McCarver
2nd- Health Kazpryzinksy
3rd- Economic Livingston
4th- Choir Alvarez
5th- Co-Op Salinas
6th- OFF
7th- OFF
8th- OFF

during 6th today rivers, amanda and i went to Suteki. Yumm!

and i ate REALLY FAST cuz i had to be back at work by 2:30.

i got there Right on TIme.
::)

i love being a senior!<3

man oh man.
someone pray for me.

i've just realized im a hopeless romantic.
:D
and i love it.

i wish i was in san antonio with him. 
<3